Your Top Toxic Traits in Relationships - 7 Red Flag Behaviors

Show Notes:
I definitely was the dependent one in relationships. That was my biggest toxic trait. Sometimes it still is.

I was a people pleaser, so it was easy to lose my identity to become whatever was needed in the relationship.

And that’s the best way to end a relationship really quick, be taken advantage of (if the person knows what they are doing), and get further away from understanding who you are & what you are worth and capable of.

Background & Review:

• Toxic traits are considered negative behaviors that can be harmful to one or both of the partners in a relationship.
• This can escalate to really unhealthy and unstable relationships that cause more damage for 1 or both partners.
• There are a number of toxic traits that can be engaged in and today we are going to chat about the ones I find most important.
• If you start to notice yourself or your partner exhibiting toxic traits, you need to take the extra step of getting help with this. Whether you speak with someone you trust, speak with a therapist or counselor, set personal boundaries, or end the relationship, you gotta do something. And sometimes you will end up doing all of these things.

List of Toxic Traits:

1. Possessiveness
   1. Partner tries to control who the other spends time with
   2. Jealous with outside people interactions
2. Lack of Communication
   1. Tension & resentment are created with no communication
   2. When conversations are shut down because they don’t wanna talk with no follow up time
   3. Refusal to communicate what’s going on, feelings, concerns, ect.
3. Blaming
   1. Partner refuses to take responsibility for their actions
   2. Blames everything that goes wrong on their partner
4. Verbal or Physical Abuse
   1. Used for control or intimidation
5. Disrespect
   1. Disregarding feelings, belittling them, making them feel inferior.
6. Dependent
   1. When someone struggles with their own mental health, they can cling to their partner for emotional and / or financial support. This is unbalanced.
   2. This is overwhelming & exhausting for the partner.
   3. Inability for them to function without their partner, leading to anxiety or desperation.
   4. Lack of autonomy happens when someone loses their independence & is too reliant on their partner. They lose their send of identity.
7. Emotional Manipulation
   1. Gaslighting 
      1. Trying to get your partner to think they are crazy and doubt their own thoughts, experiences & feelings. And to push them to feel like they are thinking outside of reality.
   2. Guilt-tripping 
      1. Pouring on the guilt when something doesn’t go their way or trying to make the other feel bad for standing up for themselves.
   3. Love bombing 
      1. Pouring on the love and appreciation in an attempt to get the other to do what they want and feel so overwhelmed with the attention and gestures that they are caught off guard to comply with whatever requests come up.

Transcript

0:03

This is the Real Positive Girl podcast and I am your host Sabrina. And I'm here chatting with you about your emotions, your mental health struggles, how to take those first few steps towards becoming more vulnerable, more honest, and increasing your self-awareness, which is like one of the top keys right next to communication for everything that we should be working on on the regular to become our best selves. And I talk about these things two times a week. New episodes every Monday and Friday at 3:00 AM p s t. So welcome if you're new and if you are not new, welcome on back friends. I'm so glad you're here to listen to another episode. So today we're gonna talk about your top toxic traits in relationships. That's right, your top toxic relationship traits. So just think about it like you might not wanna admit that you've had some of these traits, you currently struggle with some of these traits, your partner has these traits, but we're gonna talk about it because I've decided that with the podcast I do share a lot of like really good information and tips and advice. Yes, I do have enough confidence to say that I am putting out good content, but I do need to kind of like, you know, let you guys know that, you know, I guess I just like turn the heat up a little bit and be like, listen, you are struggling with some of this. Let's just be honest. I'm gonna tell you where I've been struggling. So that's why it's called your top toxic traits in relationships. But before we do that, as always, I wanna make sure that we've become friends online. So you know, go to TikTok, go to Instagram, find me. I am at Sabrina Joy Perso, send me a dm, follow along, let's be friends. And if you've already followed me but not send a dm, please send me a message and tell me your favorite fruit. If you don't know, I really like snacks and they're like food and people actually probably don't know a lot about me, like deep, deep, deep personal, like random stuff like that because I just don't share it online. I try to, but I'm not very good at that. I'm very good at like helping people with their mental health and being totally transparent about mine. But I wanna get to know people on those random things like what's your favorite fruit? Do you like dessert? Do you like pizza? I love pizza. So send me a message. Let's become friends online. If you're on Twitter, I'm also at real Sabrina Joy. So come say hi friends, I look forward to becoming friends with you. Um, also one other thing, please take a little piru down the show notes. It'll also tell you how to spell my name if you are looking to connect with me on socials and also how to send it for like the weekly newsletter. So just a topic for the podcast or even just send me an email if you have any questions, comments, concerns, progress, feedback, whatever you need. And oh, and even to watch past episodes of the show. Yes, this show on YouTube because again, I am trying to get all caught up. I did the math. If I am able to get uh, three or four episodes up every single day, then I should be able to kind of like catch up to like where I would be right now in 20 days. And then I would probably be able to like catch up, catch up like only a few days after that for whatever else has been recorded. So go enjoy the show over there, Andy. It's easier to share the show with people if there's a YouTube video attached sometimes. Anyway, I digress. So please check all of that out. I look forward to meeting you on socials and now let's get into our topic, which again is your top toxic traits in relationships. So I definitely was was, you know, I've grown a lot. I know and I think it's important for us to take the time to be like, Hey, I've grown our friends grown, we're all grown, right? We're all like, hey, we are just doing our best, becoming our best selves. We are just like reaching higher heights. We are taking steps, milestones, progress, it's all here. So I wanna make sure that you're doing that too because I'm trying to do that all the time. Because I do find that if I am pointing out things that I'm doing well while also simultaneously pointing out things that I'm not doing well, then I'm being honest with myself. I am increasing self-awareness, but also I'm giving myself a pat on the back in recognizing where I am growing and where I still need to focus and do the work, which is important on both sides. But I was definitely like the dependent one in relationships. And just to be honest, when I say relationships, I was not in that many like romantic relationships, you know? Uh, I do feel very blessed and lucky that I met my husband in college. And so we've just been together ever since. I had a serious boyfriend in high school and I, that one is the one that caused me the most drama. And then, uh, there is some couple boys that, you know, like cute I was talking to, didn't really work out. There was a guy that I felt like I fell in love with in college before I met my husband. And I feel like that was just really me getting caught up in feeling like I needed to be with that type of person. If you get my drift, it's like we, I'm so sorry, I'm keep hitting my mic. If it's loud, I apologize. But you know how we can just kinda like think that we're supposed to be with a type of person that has maybe like a type of career and not like in a gold digger way. That's definitely not what I meant. Sp especially since when I did get married, I was the one that was the breadwinner and my husband just stayed home. That's a story for another day. That's been another episodes to listen to those episodes. But, um, no, it wasn't even about that. It was more about like I thought I knew what my life was going to be, you know what I mean? But I didn't <laugh> clearly and that is a reminder that I have every single day. I'm sure that I am not alone in that. But, so it's been eye-opening to really like reflect back on this stuff, especially when I talk about these kind of topics and be like, oh my goodness. Wow. Yeah. Like I really thought that I needed to be with that guy and I thought that I was in love with him. And I think in hindsight I really wasn't. I was just really infatuated with him. And then, uh, another guy came along, you're probably like, wow, Sabrina, you told me you weren't in that many relationships. I wasn't, but because the guy that I just told you about, we weren't in a relationship, it was like really all me and then him, me telling him how I felt and him being like, no girl, no, you ain't for me. And I'm like, okay, great. Um, but I, but I mentioned it because I thought that that was gonna be a thing and it wasn't a thing. And then shortly after that I met a guy from outta town <laugh> and immediately like out of town, like not just from like a different city in my state, no, from like three states away, three states away. So I was in college in Washington and he was from Arkansas. He was just there to visit his friends and it was so weird. So this might be a part of life that I've never taught, talked to you about, but when I was in college, I wanted to find a way to work in the medical field before I finished my degree. Cuz my whole like journey was to uh, you know, become a child psychologist, right? And just like get my master's, get my doctorate, do all those things. But in the meantime I was like, you know, that'd be really cool if I had a skill. And so I went to the one of the local colleges, which was actually like quote unquote local to me, more of like 45 minute drive south from me to learn how to become and train to become an emt. And I'm sure you're like, Sabrina, I did not sign up. I didn't let, listen to this, click on this show, tap on this show. They'll hear this story. No, no, no. It's kind of fun and we're gonna get into it in just a second. But, um, so I was training to become an E M T and so I would be driving there to train at the college and I met this guy <laugh>, he, I, it was like, ta bring your friend to like class day or something like that. I'm not even freaking kidding me. And I didn't really have anyone to bring because, uh, the timing and everything else, like there were so many other things happening in my life at that time that I just didn't really have the capacity to figure that out. So they brought him and I remember sitting outside and us like taking turns doing different things. Um, like in the classroom, I think it was like preemptive like testing. Um, was it, it was, we were like practicing something some sort of like rescue simulation, right? And so people that weren't involved in it were sitting out in the hallway and I remember just chatting it up with him, chatting it up, and it became basically what I would consider a summer fling because we were kind of like really into each other spending, I was spending time at like, wherever he was staying. It was a lot, it was a lot happening. Lot of other things happening. And so then nothing, nothing sexual, I'm telling you, well wait, wait, there was no sex. Let's just put that, that's happening. That did not happen. But I spent time with him and then he went home and we talked about maybe like me visiting and maybe like having a long distance relationship. But then we weren't sure and then we were very much like, you know what, let's just like, you know, let, let me go back to school, school at Omar started and let you go back to like whatever life you're having. And then bam, I meet my husband because he shows up to campus. He had already gone to two years of community college, so he was only gonna be there for two years at the school and we just like clicked and became one. So when I talk about the toxic traits that I've had in relationships, let's bring this back full circle, <laugh>. Um, I'm only referring to probably like the relationships that I'm currently in with my husband and probably like two other relationships, romantic ones. However, I wanna say that a lot of these are definitely like categorized as romantic relationships. However, I definitely think that they could qualify for, um, like platonic friendships or even, um, in a way they could, they could carry over to like relationships with friends, um, platonic friends, uh, family work, things like that for sure. So just gotta keep that in mind. If you're probably like, wow, super Sabrina, I don't, I'm not that many relationships either, right? Or any serious ones where it could even get that far. It's okay, it could still qualify for so many different things. And I know I told you a really long story to get to that point, but hey, I bet you enjoyed it. Okay, so yeah, it, I was definitely the dependent one, right? Biggest toxic trade out of, and like that's, that's on the list. I have seven to share with you today. So we need, we do need to get into it. Um, but you know, sometimes it still is and I definitely battled that being dependent in my current, in my, in my marriage and then it twisting into codependency, which is like, you know, both people depending upon each other in different ways. Um, and then us being able to find our way out of that because it's just, it's not healthy at all. It's not, um, I, I stand that's like, that's like a hill I will die on only because people have tried to fight me on the internet and how like certain things in codependency aren't bad. No, they're all bad, they're all bad, they're all negative, they're all not beneficial. W i, okay, we'll come back to that in a different episode. <laugh>, if you want me to talk more about that, please let me know. But I was like a people pleaser, right? I am a recovering people pleaser right now, but I was like hardcore that was like the golden era for Sabrina to be a people pleaser. So it was easy to lose my identity to become like whatever was needed in the relationship, right? I'm sure that you or someone out there will understand what I'm talking about. You just like throw your whole self away in the trash and you're like, I am here to be with you. Let's see what we can do. How can I be what you need? Right? It's almost like a song, almost like a love song. And that's the best way to like end a relationship real quick, real quick. So end it, uh, become taken advantage of if the person knows what they are doing and get further away from understanding who you are, what you are worth, and what you are capable of, right? You cuz you're throwing yourself away. You're just like, goodbye. I don't need to be who I was. Even though the person that you were and the person that you are is the person that they were drawn to. Like, isn't that, oh, let's just take a moment to really consider like the The gr even thinking about it right now, obviously you could tell by my voice that it is, it is nuts. It's nuts. The fact that like we get into a relationship and we are, who we're just being, unless we are being like kind of a fake person really pushing out that people pleaser like persona, okay, that's a different story. But if we're just being us and chilling and they're attracted to that and then all of a sudden you get into a relationship together throw all of that away, like, why are we throwing away who we are? Be that's who they wanted, right? Unless it was like a total manipulation game where they were like, Ooh, I like that person, let's break them again. A different conversation. So, you know, it's so interesting. It just blows my mind. So yes, I definitely struggle with being dependent on the other person. Ugh. It's a problem throwing my soul whole self away. But yeah, like we just totally lose ourselves. So when we talk about toxic traits with a little bit of like, you know, get down to the nitty gritty here before we jump into the list. Toxic traits, just so we understand, are considered like negative behaviors that can be harmful to one or both of the partners in a relationship. So it's one, whether it's the opposite one, like not you, but the other one or both people are not benefiting and are like having harm caused to them because of whatever this trait is. And let's just note right now that it could not just be one trait. Now it could be multiple, multiple traits that are causing harm on both people and that's just sucky. Like, you know, one's enough and then you just bring'em all to the party and you're like, let's just have all the toxicity here. Um, and so having these toxic traits can really like escalate to really unhealthy, I would say like level 12 out of 10 really unhealthy and really unstable relationships that cause like more damage for again, one, one person or both partners. Now let's back up. I I, I know I mentioned like it could just be like one, like the other partner, but it could just be you. You could be the one that's just bringing harm on yourself. The other person does not seem faced by like whatever the toxic trait is that you are exhibiting, that you are sharing, that you are throwing out there. And that's something to keep in mind too because if you think that you are doing the most in whatever trait you feel like you identify with most, if you do, um, and I'm not saying that you have to, but if you do, it could, you really could just be causing harm to yourself and the other person could just be like, oblivious, oblivious. And I say that because I've had that personal experience, but it's just fact, right? It doesn't, doesn't necessarily have to always just be the other person if there's only one person harmed in within the toxic toxicity that's being brought into the relationship. And just so you know, there are a number of toxic traits. I'm not gonna list all of them here today that can be engaged in. Um, but we are gonna talk about the ones that I find most important and the ones that I think should be brought up. It is not a conclusive list. I do want you to know that it's okay. Um, just so you know, if you <laugh>, since you can't watch the video of this yet, I was literally doing like finger guns right there. Okay? So if you start to notice yourself or your partner exhibiting these toxic traits, and I definitely wanna say yourself because if you are really working on your self-awareness, you will notice and if you start like understanding what these toxic traits are and you're like, oh my gosh, oh my gosh, that's me. You're like, that's me. I am doing that thing. So when you notice that it's you or your partner exhibiting those things, you need to take the extra step. I implore you to take the extra step of getting help with this. You know, whether you like speak with someone you trust or speak with like a therapist or a counselor or you just decide to set personal boundaries so that you don't do it or you don't allow what they're doing to affect you or you end the relationship. You know, you gotta do something, you have to, you gotta do something, right? You can't just continue to enable whatever's happening, whether it's yourself or them or both. And you know, sometimes you'll end up doing all of those things. It'll just be like this journey that you take to figure out what should happen and it will end with ending the relationship. And I just wanted to put all of that up front because we're not really gonna dive deep into like what we should do. We're gonna talk about the traits, we're gonna talk about the traits so we actually understand them. So, um, I do have a list of toxic traits. I have seven to share with you today. But before we go into that, let's have our disclaimer. So all the advice and the tips and everything we're I have already shared with you is based on my own thoughts and opinions and research that I have done and my own personal experiences others that I'm able to share. If you find that you do not align with what I'm sharing and that's totally fine, or you find that the list that I'm sharing of toxic traits does not hit and there's some other ones that you feel like would be better, I encourage you to, you know, talk to a therapist, talk to a counselor and have that one-on-one time to with you figuring out what your personal toxic traits are in relationships. If you don't wanna do that, totally fine. Again, I'm not saying that everything I have to share here is fantastic and made for everyone. It's not. So if you don't wanna talk to a counselor or a therapist, I encourage you to go on over to our best friend Google and type in like toxic traits and relationships. You'll get lots of blogs, you'll get lots of research articles, you'll get videos, you know, you'll get, you'll get those chat sites, whatevers that way you can ask a question and like community response, whatevers, you'll get lots of stuff. Check all that out, figure out what aligns with you best and that's totally fine, totally fine. Okay, let's get into the list. The list. Here's a list of seven of your top toxic traits and relationships that I'm gonna share with you. Number one, and again, we're just reviewing them so that you can kind of take some time to reflect and see if these are things that are in your relationship, whether it's you or your partner or both. It could be both. The first one is po possessiveness possessiveness. So when your partner tries to control who the other spends time with, right? And they, so like let's say that you wanna go out with your friend Monica. And again, this is nothing against any Monicas, it's just really the first name that came into my head because I am an avid friend's watcher. So that's like the first name I got. Um, so let's say you wanna go out with your friend Monica and you just wanna like have a good time, but your partner was like, Ooh, no, I don't want you hanging out with Monica for whatever string of reasons. It could be like they are afraid that there's some sort of infidelity that's gonna happen. They're afraid of like whatever impact or um, how they're gonna influence you. Uh, they just don't want you to go out with Monica cuz they want you to stay with them. They don't wanna share you with anyone. And not even in the cute sense, like in the actual literal sense. And so they're just like, no, I don't think you should go out that person. Right? And they may or may not, depending on the situation, want to suggest someone else for you to spend time with because it's someone that they quote unquote approve of. And so they're like, okay, well you can actually spend time with Rachel but not Monica, right? And so that's just an example of like the possessiveness that that could be the toxic trait, um, of the partner who's just trying to control who the Another way to look at is also like the jealous, jealous with like outside people interactions. And so that really does drive home of like, let's say that you and your partner go to a party and you meet Angela and you're just like chatting it up and you're having a good rapport and you'd never met Angela before in your entire life, but you were just chatting with them and then your partner sees how well you are getting along with Angela and they're like, oh no, no, no, I can't have anyone get getting along with my partner as well as I am. So they come in and they break up this conversation or they try to, like some people will take their possessiveness so make you look bad. So the other person like retreats and like steps off as opposed to like pulling you away so that there doesn't seem like there needs to be any sort of like concern or consulting or anything like that, right? It's more of like, make that person looked bad so that no one else wants to spend time with them and they get all their time and they're not gonna have to deal with their own jealous feelings and emotions and behaviors, right? It's just crazies but not in a bad way, you know what I mean? It's just like, it's interesting how far people will go when they're dealing with being possessive. So think about that. Is that something? And it could even be like smaller doses of, you know, maybe your, your spouse is like, Hey, I'm gonna go out and hang out with the boys or the girls or whatever. And you're like, yeah, no, um, I don't think you should because I really want you to just spend time with me and maybe you'll turn it into like a cute thing. Like, oh well I really just wish you would stay here with me. And they're like, oh that's so cute. Maybe I will, right? But you're really like slowly like holding away their independence of being able to go out and hang out with other people, which is very, very healthy and should happen as much as possible because despite the fact that you've promised to be together forever, you still need that separate time. You still need those other people in your life to influence you, encourage you and be with you and have support that's not just that person, right? And so it can even be like little things like that where it doesn't feel like possessiveness cuz it's like put on with like a cute front. Um, but it's there. It could, it could be there, it could be there. So just something to think about. You know, they try to control who the other person spends time with and they're jealous with outside people interactions. That's possessiveness. Number two is lack of communication. Lack of communication. So this is like, I mean they're all sucky, but this is like one that could really drive someone crazy I think. So, you know, like tension and resentment are created when there's like no communication. So let's say that your partner is deciding just not to like rans, answer your text, not answer your calls, not answer the door when you go visit them if you're not married, like if you're just dating or you're not living together or whatever, um, and or you know, you're trying to like start a conversation with them and they're just like not communicating back. Um, it can like just be really frustrating. Again, tension, resentment can start to like foster in that relationship and when conversations are start shut down because they don't wanna talk with like no follow up time. So there's a difference between like starting a conversation, even if it's a heated one with your partner and then being like, Hey, can we just take a break? Can we have a timeout? And then them being like, can we reconvene like an hour from now or like tomorrow morning or some sort of follow up time that's different because maybe they need time to cool off and get their thoughts together and figure out like what they wanna say, right? They need time to actually think about what you told them, right? That's different, but that's like one way. But the other way that you definitely is not healthy is you being like, Hey, let's talk about like where we wanna go to dinner tonight. And they're like, no, I don't wanna talk about that. That's not important. Like, they deem it like how they categorize it however way they want to. They say it's not important. They're like, no, or like, no, stop talking about that. Why are you talking about that? Right? And for whatever reasons, maybe because they wanna be in control of like the decision or when the decision is made or the fact that you're even thinking about it, like makes them feel like they're not in charge. Whatever the reason, right? So when the conversations are shut down because they don't wanna talk about it with no follow up time, that's the lack of communication that is a toxic trait that is not gonna help their relationship grow and become stronger, uh, together, which is the point of two people coming together. You know what I mean? Also the refusal to communicate what's going on like with feelings, uh, concerns, uh, what your plans are, right? So if you're asking the person, Hey, what are you doing tomorrow? And they're like, oh, oh, don't worry about it. Right? That's a great response.<laugh> I roll, that was sarcasm. Just so you know. Um, they're like, oh, don't worry about it or nothing, right? But you know that they're doing something because maybe you saw a peak on their calendar, maybe you overheard them telling someone, or maybe they've told you in the past that they had something planned on that day and then now they're all of a sudden like just, you know, closing you out, right? Or, you know, they're having like some sort of feelings about something. And this is not just like an assumption, which I hate, I hate golden letters times where I hate assumptions, hate them. But this is not an assumption. It's more of like, you can tell that they're upset. Like you can tell that there is something happening, but they choose not to tell you. Toxic, toxic, toxic. I, it's taking everything inside of me not to sing the Britney Spear song. So I do not get copyrighted guys everything inside me. But I know that you are thinking it too if you're a Brittany fan. So refusal to communicate what's going on, feelings, concerns, things like that. Terrible, it sucks. It's like, oh my gosh, why are we together if you don't wanna tell me what's happening? So lack of communication, that's a terrible toxic trait. Number three, blaming. Blaming. So the partner refuses to take responsibility for their actions. What else would we call that? Friends victim mentality for sure. If you don't wanna take responsibility for your actions, so you end up like blaming whatever happened, like blames everything that goes wrong on their partner. So if all of a sudden someone was rude to them at dinner, they're like, oh my gosh, this is your fault because you pick this restaurant or you set the waiter off or you blah blah blah, blah blah. Like whatever ridiculous excuse that they come up with, they cannot possibly be responsible for anything bad happening and anything like going wrong that they have to pass the blame onto you or even onto someone else because I, cuz like just outside of just like the bubble of the relationship, this can like, you know, be a little bit more global in your guys', like close circles. So a good example is to being like, let's say that you went to dinner with you and like your partner and your friends and the waiter brings out their dinner wrong. And so maybe they've already taken enough time to blame you for other things. They're deciding to pass the blame or they'll do a double, do a double blaming, like a double blocking, but a double blaming of being like, oh my gosh, you and your friend pick this restaurant and that's why I got the wrong entree or you and your friend, this is your fault for picking this place to go and that's why it costs so much. Or that's why this, that and the other. I mean the cost so much thing I guess is true because like if you pick a restaurant, you know, generally you know how much it's gonna cost. But anyway, you, you get what I'm saying? You get what I'm saying? So, um, so yeah, they'll like want to not take any responsibility for anything, blame the partner for everything and then sometimes that can extend to other people in their life if they so choose to just blame everyone for everything. And it's such a toxic trait because if they're not willing to take responsibility, then think about like how else they could be a victim of not wanting to make any like, positive changes in their life that actually would be good and not wanting to actually be honest and vulnerable about what they're going through. Like that does not seem like a good fit for anyone being in a relationship. So that toxic trait is blaming number four. I'm not even gonna talk a lot about barely. We're gonna probably be here for like 60 seconds, but I needed to put it on the list because I almost thought about not putting it on the list and then just like mentioning in it, but I was like, absolutely not. Also these aren't in any particular order. Um, but the ones that are on the list are, are crucial, integral for you to know. So number four is verbal or physical abuse, verbal or physical abuse. So often when there is verbal and or cuz there could be both or just one or the other, they're used for control and intimidation, which is not cool, right? Obviously. Um, but we don't need to talk about a lot about it cuz people understand that these are toxic traits, these are harmful traits, these are awful, these are things that I really hope that, and I know it's not, it's easier said than done despite how terrible it is. But I hope that if these things are happening to you in a relationship, that you say goodbye as quick as you can, that you get out there, that you have someone help you figure out how to get away from that person because it's awful. And I don't want anyone to go Absolutely terrible. And you might try to, you know, reason away that, oh, it's because they have a bad day or they're going through a hard time and they're life or blah blah blah, whatever, excuse. No, no, don't let the excuses allow you to continue to get hurt just, just for the sake of them being a jerk. It's not fair to you. So, um, yeah, verbal and physical abuse is often used for control and intimidation. Uh, especially if all the other toxic traits that they're probably likely using in the relationship aren't quite working as well as they would like. This is like that like extra bully push of like, okay, well let's get serious, which is just terrible. So verbal and or physical abuse. Number five, disrespect. Disrespect. So this is like an easy one and you might not think, oh, this is a toxic trait. It is, it is. Make no mistake. So disregarding some the partner's feelings, belittling them, um, making them feel inferior. It's like on purpose being condescending, right? And not realizing it. Um, it's one thing to be naive to, you know, acting a certain way. Um, it's another to like be doing it on purpose because you have a mission to disrespect them and make them feel bad and make them feel smaller than you so that you do have that control and intimidation over them. It's another way to do that, right? So yeah, you're disregarding their feelings, you're like, oh no, like the partner is like, oh, I'm, I'm feeling really uncomfortable with this. And they're like, oh no, you're not. You'll be fine. That whole like, you'll be fine. Or if they're like, oh, I'm really sad and disappointed that I didn't get to see my parents for Christmas this year. And they're like, oh no, it's fine. Or, or they, they saw you for so many years growing up, they don't need you now or, or whatever. Like, crap they make up. Right? Or belittling you and telling you that you shouldn't worry about things or the things that you worry about are stupid or, um, unhelpful or that the work that you do isn't, is nothing and means nothing. And that, uh, how you contribute in the world is just not good enough. Which is not true. Uh, I paused because it's just, it's painful. It's painful, uh, to really think and know that there are people that are dealing with this on a regular basis and they just allow it to happen because they don't know what to do. They don't know how to get out of it. They don't see it for what it is. Uh, for reals, for reals. I don't mean this as a joke. Uh, they might have like Stockholm syndrome where they're just so used to it and they're just like buying into the whole thing and um, or something else is being used against them. And so they have to put up with all this crap. So yeah, disrespect, disregarding feelings, belittling them and making them feel inferior. That's that toxic trait. Number six, the one that I am most familiar with is dependent. Dependent. So this would be when one partner, you know, uh, is struggling, uh, sorry, let's back up. <laugh>, I have like two thoughts that are like crossing paths right now. So when you're dependent, it's like, it's one partner dependent on the other. But if both are dependent on each other for different reasons or, or the same, whatever, that's codependency, that's different. So dependent is like just one person dependent on the other. And often, you know, when someone struggles with their own mental health, like they're just, they're, they're having that hard struggle. They can clinging to their partner for emotional and or like financial support, you know, and this like creates this like really unhealthy balance. And again, when we're trying to achieve balance in our life, in our career and our relationships and whatever, um, it's not always gonna be this like perfect like seesaw teeter charter kind of situation, but it'll be as close as it can be. But when it's unbalanced like that where they're someone is totally just like clinging to the other person, it is very unbalanced. It's like literally someone is sitting at the top of the seesaw, why the other person's like weighing it all the way down or opposite. And so it's important to realize that, like, I, I was like that a lot. I was, it was mostly e emotional, not financial at all. Um, only because <laugh>, I definitely, uh, back then I was, my pride would not allow me to be financially dependent on someone. I just, I needed to like make life happen for myself. But, um, so when, what am I even trying to say? So emotionally, emotionally, I was dependent on other people. Again, I would just like, you know, throw myself away who I was supposed to be. And um, and like if they were feeling sad, you know, I, I would need to feel sad if they were feeling happy. I would need to feel happy no matter like what I was going through. I was trying to be like their shadow <laugh>. Um, and that's gonna be really overwhelming, exhausting for the partner because not only are they just trying to like be there for you, but also like whatever they are going through, um, they are expecting like full on, full board support. And that happened to me recently where I just needed my husband's, I wanted my husband to be the, all the support that I needed for like a mental health struggle that I was going through. And it's like so unhealthy and it was very unbalanced and very overwhelming actually and exhausting for him. And it just kind of like took him out and he was just like, you know what? Uh, lucky, like, I am not lucky. Well, I feel like the whole situation coming together, how it did was lucky but in a blessing. But I was like really proud of him to be like in hindsight, like in the moment I was really upset, just to be honest. But in hindsight I was really proud of him to just like exude those boundaries and be like, listen, I can't, I can't, this is too much for me. And I was just like, oh, and thinking about it now I'm like, yeah, that was too much. It was way too much, way too much. Uh, it could just become way too much for someone to handle cuz it's, it's already enough for us to handle our own emotions and if we are in a relationship where we have children, so we're trying to help them handle theirs then, and it's, if it's unbalanced in other relationships we have, like with our family, with our friends and at work and whatever, it can just become way too much. You're just like, feel like you're being weighted down at the bottom of like a 20 foot pool or something like that. It's awful. And so the inability for them to function without their partner, um, is also a big part of being dependent. And so like if they're ever away from that person, it could lead to like anxiety or desperation. And that is like a really, really big concern with this toxic trait because they feel like they have to be with them all the time. And if they're not, then they're like worth nothing or they're alone or they're afraid that like, I don't know, like they'll just like disappear into thin air and they'll, something bad will happen and or something bad will happen to the other person. Then they're concerned about that and they're like, I need to be with them. And so, um, and then the last part of like, you know, being dependent also, again what I was talking about before is the lack of autonomy that happens when someone loses their independence. You know, they just like, they are so consumed with, um, being dependent on the other person for how they should feel, how should they act? How should they like live their life or whatever, that they lose their independence and who they are and are just like way too reliant on that partner. Um, especially if both emotionally and financially those things are combined. And so they're dependent on the partner to make all the money and take care of them mentally and emotionally and, and um, and always be there for them, be their best friend. And there's whole support system. Gosh, it really just like opens my eyes for like how I kind of did that to my husband and it's just like, ugh, I'm glad we figured it out. But yeah, it's, it's just too much. Um, but yeah, like when you are caught up in being dependent, you lose your identity cuz you're just trying to be there for them, do everything for them. It's just like that top tier, you know, pink Cadillac people pleaser type of situation. So dependent someone, you know, they just really have this unbalanced need to lean on their partner. Um, okay, so let's go on to the last one, which is number seven, emotional manipulation. Emotional manipulation. So this one, there is a myriad of examples that could be shared, but I decided to share the ones that I think are really interesting. Um, not all the ones that I wanted to share, but I didn't want the show to drag on forever <laugh>, just to be honest. Uh, I would feel bad about that, but uh, I did wanna mention three that I thought were really important. Um, so for emotional manipulation, which would be anyway for the person just to use the emotions of the other partner to get what they want or get control or get them in a mental situation, uh, to just act how they act, how they please, right? It's like playing like a puppeteer basically. So the first one that I wanna mention as an example of a mo emotional manipulation is one that a lot of us know and hear about often is gaslighting. Um, so, and if you don't know what that is, because there are people in life that don't know what that is and that's fine, it's like trying to get your partner to think that they're crazy and to doubt their own like thoughts, their own feelings, their own actual like real life personal experiences in life. Like things that they've actually done, right? Like just recalling memories of like how things went down, how things happened that you went to this, that and the other. Like it goes that far. Um, and to push that partner to feel like they're thinking outside of reality. Like again, pushing the crazy talks. So, you know, if someone were, um, yeah, trying to gaslight someone, like let's say the partner's like, oh, but I remember that you were at that party, um, talking to that girl. Um, and it just seemed really inappropriate. And then the other partner that would like institute the gaslighting would be like, what are you talking about? I wasn't talking to anyone at that party and really trying to like Dr like push the narrative that they weren't talking to that person, that the other person just totally made it up that they can't believe also, like, you know, throwing in some of the like the guilt of being like, Hey, I can't believe that you would think that I would talk to someone else inappropriately and think that I would ever do anything to hurt you. You're know, really laying it on thick and, um, I, and then really like even pushing for like, I think that you should like apologize to me and feel bad to me and really just turning the tables on the other person, uh, while gaslighting them and making them think that they their own like memories and thoughts and feelings are totally wrong and not aligned, uh, with what, what they can recall and what they can remember. It is awful. It is awful because I feel like there's a point where you can't start to question yourself if you are being questioned enough. It's on a small like silly scale to compare it to. It's like if you say or read a word enough times, then it starts to like lose the feeling of like, is this a, is this the word? Is this how it's spelled? Is, is this how you really say it? You know, that weird awkward feeling. And uh, that is like kind of like gaslighting on like a times a million scale basically how I can think about it. Uh, the next one is guilt tripping. Speaking of guilt, uh, guilt tripping. So like pouring on the guilt when something doesn't make the other feel bad for standing up for themselves. So again, like if, if the, if the partner is like, oh, um, cuz they had maybe had they sent someone out to something and they didn't have the flavor of ice cream that that person wanted and they're just like, oh my gosh, you know, it's just so bad and un unfortunate that they didn't have the flavor that I wanted, but they really have the flavor that you wanted and that just feels so unfair, but I understand that they didn't have it and there's nothing you can do and blah, blah blah. And like really pushing them to feel bad for something they had no control over. That's the thing that drives me crazy is like when you are trying to guilt trip someone, you are really like pushing them to feel guilty about often, not always, but often things that they didn't have control of. You can't control what ice cream flavors Baskin Robbins has. They either have, they don't. It's what it is. Yes, I like Baskin Robbins. Do you like Coldstone too? Listen, Baskin Robbins is just oh so classic. I miss it. I miss it so much. I can't eat like lots of dairy right now, so that's why I miss it anyway. Yeah, pouring on the guilt when something doesn't go their way or trying to make the other person feel bad if we're standing up for themselves. So if someone, let's say one partner comes to the other and it's like, hey, I did not appreciate the way that you spoke to me in front of our friends the other night. I felt really disrespected. And so the other partner would be like, oh my gosh, I can't believe that you would say that I was doing that. Like I was not doing that. And the other person's like, yes, you were, I I just felt really disrespectful that you did that. And they're like, I can't believe you're bringing this up and I can't believe you're bringing it up. Like after I've had a hard day or it's my birthday or after you already like told me how you didn't like this, that and the other and like, you know, you know what I mean? Like really like guilt tripping them for standing up for themselves and be like, oh, I can't believe you're bringing this up when I treat you so well. Or I pay all the bills, or I just bought you a present like two months ago. Like, you know what I mean? Just like all these excuses, wrapping everything up, making everything feel like it's like swirling in a tornado of excuses and it could just be so overwhelming that the other person just gives up and it's like, oh, okay, you're right. Well they're not, they weren't, they were just trying to guilt trip you cuz they don't wanna take any responsibility. Emotional manipulation. Okay, one more and then we'll tie it up and be done. Love bombing. Interesting, right? I'm trying to think. I did experience this with my high school boyfriend, which I know like may not qualify as anything that Um, so Whoing on the love, love bombing is pouring on the love and appreciation and attention in an attempt to get other, to get the other one to do what they want and feel so overwhelmed with the attention and gestures that they're caught off guard to comply with whatever requests come up. So good example would be like maybe they don't necessarily always give you attention or call you and then all of a sudden they're calling you and they're showing up at your doorstep and they're sending you flowers and they're serenading you outside their window with their boombox and it's just like, I love you, you're amazing, you're the most beautiful thing ever. And then you are like so overwhelmed because this doesn't normally happen, but that you are just so grateful. You feel like you need to be grateful and feel like, oh my gosh, that's so great that they're finally treating you the way that you would want. And then bam, they ask you for something and they're like, Hey, so I'm like, I love you so much and I'm like late on rent and I was wondering if you could like help me out with that because you know, we're so in love and we're so close and together and you're amazing and you're just like, uh, yeah, of course. Right? Because it's in the hopes. It's like in in the other person's mind, they're like hoping that okay, if they say yes, that this thing will happen again and likely it won't. Or maybe the other partner will keep it up for just a little bit until they get what they need and then they'll cut it off and they don't go back to like however the relationship normally is and then it'll make its return the next time. That person like really needs something and just needs to go over the top with the love and attention to get what they want. Again, control, intimidation, emotional manipulation. Wow, that kind of arrived. So that's it, that's it. That's all seven of your top toxic traits in relationships. The list that I wanted to share with you that I think that everyone will benefit from really takes some time to reflect. If you feel like you struggle with any of those, if you feel like your partner does and what you should do, should you talk to your partner about it? If it's their thing or even if it's your thing, should you talk to them about it? Figure out what you need to do, bring it to light. I think you should be vulnerable and honest. That's how I would do it. That's how I do it. And that's how I did do it with my husband, like was really honest and open. Told him exactly. I was like, yeah, I was outta line. That was ridiculous. No, no, no, that was too much. And I just think it makes the relationship between the two people stronger and better and that's absolutely fantastic. So anyway, but do what you need to do. That would be best, but that's it. So thank you so much for listening to the Real Positive Go podcast again with me. Sabrina, I please ask you to share this show with anyone that you think would benefit from it. Don't forget to check the show notes so you can come say hi to me and become friends online. Send it for the weekly newsletter. Uh, send me an email, suggest a topic, and also check out all the current past episodes of the Real Positive Girl podcast that is currently on the YouTube channel. Again, the video versions of it, not just an audiogram, the video versions of it, you can see my face. So, um, but that's it. So until next time, have a good one and I will see oh next time. Bye.