How to Set Personal Boundaries & Why It's Important - Emotional Wellbeing

Show Notes:
It’s important that you know how important personal boundaries are & how integral it is for every single person in the entire world to have & enforce personal boundaries. And I think we really lack the second part of that statement. We can have all the intentions in the world and set boundaries in our minds & share those with others, but if we never enforce said boundaries, it’s all for nothing. But we will get into that a bit later.

There are 2 things I want to accomplish in today’s episode:

1. Why having personal boundaries is REALLY important
2. How you can start setting personal boundaries for yourself, even if you’ve never done it in the past.

When we set personal boundaries, we are creating limits for ourselves with others AND with ourselves that help us feel safe & achieve enough balance for us to live our lives in our best way. Having personal boundaries benefits our mindset, our emotions & our physical wellbeing.

Let me share with you a few specific reasons why personal boundaries are so important:

1. Keeps Self-Respect in Tact
2. Keeps Relationships Healthy
3. Reduces Stress & Anxiety
4. Increases Self-Awareness

Now, getting into setting personal boundaries for yourself, it’s not always easy. Especially if you have never done it before. But it’s worth the effort & an important part of increasing personal growth, fostering healthy relationships and even engaging in self-care.

Here are 5 Tips on How to Set Personal Boundaries for Yourself:

1. Figure Out What YOU Need & What’s Important to You
   1. Think about what your values are & what you hold in the highest regard 
   2. Prioritize what is most important to you in life and consider boundaries in these areas first.
   3. Do you have any limits? 
2. Determine Where/When You’ll Need Boundaries
   1. Consider past experiences when you felt uncomfortable & whether having personal boundaries enforced would have helped.
   2. This could be with anyone & be anywhere. 
3. Choose Your Personal Boundaries
   1. Be specific on what your boundaries are
   2. It will help to determine what you are and aren’t willing to tolerate from others & even yourself.
4. Communicate & Enforce Your Boundaries
   1. You gotta tell people that you have boundaries if you expect them to respect them.
   2. Make sure you use ‘I’ statements when you share & don’t blame or criticize others for why you have your boundaries. Own your boundaries.
   3. Practice saying, “No,” to people that try to overstep your boundaries. You have the HUMAN RIGHT to say, “No,” if you are uncomfortable.
5. Don’t Give In
   1. You gotta stay consistent in enforcing your boundaries. 
   2. Be firm & know that you are WORTHY of being respected and having your boundaries respected.
   3. You’ll get better at enforcing your boundaries the more you do it 

Transcript

0:03

This is the Real Positive Girl podcast, and I am your host, Sabrina. And I'm here chatting with you about your emotions, your mental health struggles, and how to take those first few steps towards becoming more vulnerable. We're honest, especially with yourself and becoming more self-aware. And we do that two times a week, Karen. So welcome in. If you are new, I believe you're really gonna enjoy the conversation that we are gonna have today. And if you're not new, we'll welcome back to the party, my friend. Today we're gonna be chatting about how to set personal boundaries and why having personal boundaries is so important. And it's a topic that I have spoken about, um, a few seasons ago on this show, but I wanted to bring it back and kind of just like talk about it again, remind us all of the importance of it and maybe see it from a, a better way. Now that I've done podcast TV for a while now, I can hopefully convey the understanding and the importance of it a little bit better. But before we get into that, I do wanna encourage you to become friends with me online. So if you check into the show notes down there, you'll see that you can find me at TikTok and at Instagram, at Sabrina Joy Pero. So I encourage you to come say hi and follow along, and then let me know what your favorite fruit is or whatever in like a dm. I love like talking about snacks and fruits and stuff like that. And so I always come up with some sort of weird questions, so hit me up over there. Also, I'm very excited to let you guys know that I have gotten more and more videos up for the video version of the podcast. So if you look for the Real Positive Girl YouTube channel, you'll see that there are like almost 30 videos up right now, uh, the video version of the podcast. And so I'm trying to get two or three up every single day so that hopefully within the next couple weeks we can catch up and be live to the audio version that's live and the video being live at the same time. So that's the goal. So check all those things out. Also down in the show notes below, um, we are going to, uh, you can like sign up for the weekly newsletter that comes out every Monday, check out, um, the planner that's for sale, and also, uh, suggest a topic for the podcast anonymously, all kinds of things. So just check all that stuff out down there and let's just go ahead and jump into today's topic. But do not forget to come find me on social so we can become friends again. Today we were talking about how to set personal boundaries and why it's important. I do wanna let you know from the jump, obviously I'm really sick. I sound like a bridge troll. I am hoping to just get through this and I, if I do have any coughing spells, do not worry. I will edit those out. Um, but I know that I'll still have a few pauses that are not, you know, totally genuine to me, uh, just because I'm trying to make sure that I can get to the next statement with the next breath. So anyway, just putting that out there is if you're like, oh my gosh, she's riding the struggle bus. I am, but I am here to talk about personal boundaries. So I was really kind of reflecting on this and like. Part of the reason that I grew up being like such a people pleaser is because I didn't have any personal boundaries. Like none whatsoever. I, the most boundaries that I had was protecting the people other monsters in the world, right? And if you hear that, you immediately just know that that feeds right back into being a people blazer. Because I spent all my time focusing on helping others and not doing anything to help myself, just like letting myself just like flapping the breeze in the wind, not helping myself at all whatsoever. But you know, that's, I think I, I can't even imagine like how much better life would be if I had personal boundaries growing up. It would be, it'd be amazing, right? I think a lot of us think about that though in hindsight. It's like, wow, if I actually had personal boundaries and stood for myself at this time in my life, life would've been so much better, right? But it's important that, you know, um, just in case you don't know, cuz I'm not gonna assume everyone knows everything, um, how important personal boundaries are and how integral it is for every single person in the entire world to have and enforce, enforce this like one of the keywords here to have and enforce personal boundaries. And I think we really lack second part of that statement as I was already saying, like, we gotta double down on actually enforcing our boundaries. We can have all the boundaries in the world and like have a long list and have it written out so neatly and everything and perfect. But if we are not enforcing those boundaries, like it, it's just, it's it's useless, right? We can have all the intentions in the world and set boundaries in our minds and share those. We can even go as far as to tell other people about our boundaries and share those. But if we never enforce those boundaries, it's all for nothing. It's all for nothing. But we will get into that like a little bit later about the importance of enforcing our boundaries. But there are two, two very specific things that I wanna accomplish in today's episode. The first one is why having personal boundaries is really, really, really important. Like all the way up here it is like, and you're like up here, Sabrina, I can't see, okay, it's up here,<laugh>, uh, up at the top, uh, raise your hands all the way up to the sky. And that's how far it's, and then the second one is how you can start setting personal boundaries for yourself, even if you've never done it before in the past. Cuz I feel like a lot of times we can talk about mindset and emotional management where we have done those things in the past. And so we're kind of just like reminding ourselves how to do those things. How to manage our anxiety and depression, how to not, uh, react but to respond. How to take a moment to really consider what would be beneficial next step decision making, all these things, right? But we have to talk about it from a, a viewpoint of people that have never just done it before, right? Maybe you never grew up needing to do that and then you came into a time in your life where you really wish you had known about that and now you're like, let's figure it out. So that is, it's really important to distinguish that if you have no experience, personal boundaries, that's still okay. It's not a big deal at all whatsoever. So, but, and also I almost split like these two things, like knowing the importance of personal boundaries and then like how to set personal boundaries into two different episodes. But I don't think that is necessary. I think we all know that boundaries are important, but sometimes also need some knowledge tickling to when we decide to forget this, right? Um, so we, I think we all, even if we've never had personal boundaries or really those are and enforce them, we know that they're important. They sound really important. It's like, oh, having a boundary is this really important thing. We know that they're really important, but you know, when you see something we can point to that remind us, reminds us like why we do it and why it's really important for us to have those in our life. So when we set personal boundaries, we are creating limits. When we set personal boundaries, we are creating limits for ourselves, with others and with ourselves. And I'm not gonna harp too much at all on setting personal boundaries with ourselves today. I'm gonna talk more about it in the future, in the near future. But it's important to realize that you can set personal boundaries not only with other people in your life, but also with yourself. But yeah, so when we are creating limits for ourselves and with our, and with others that help us feel safe and achieve enough balance just enough, cuz I know we're not always gonna be like that perfect 50 50 balance in our life that's just absolutely like ludicrous. It's not, it's not a thing. But, uh, when we do get enough balance for us to live our lives in our best way, uh, it could feel really good and that, and like having those boundaries can contribute to that. So having personal boundaries benefits our mindset, our emotions, and our physical wellbeing in so many different ways, depending upon the boundaries and the limits that you set for yourself. So let me share a few specific reasons why personal boundaries are like so important. And I just wanna share four with you and then we will dive into more of how we can set personal boundaries. So the first one that I wanna share with you is keeps self respect intact. Having personal boundaries keeps yourself respect intact. So boundaries are limits that we like, self induce, right? We decide that these are the limits, these are the safe spaces that we wanna create for ourselves. So, you know, when we have these limits self-induced, we, these will help us decide and know what we are willing and what we are not willing to receive from other people. So if other people treat us a certain way, we can decide that we are not willing to accept them name calling or tucking down to us or being condescending, which Um, and we are just not gonna accept that from other people. So when we have these personal boundaries, we can really, you know, stay on top of having self-respect and then also demanding that from other people. And I know that some people are on the line of like, you know, respect is earned not given. But I don't think that's completely true. I don't think it's just black and white like that. It's very like, yes, you need to earn respect, but that's generally after a time where you've lost respect from someone or it's in a situation where you do have to work yourself, work your way like up the ladder. And let's not like divulge into that tangent. I don't think I have enough breath in my lungs for that today, but it's important to realize that, that don't let that be a hangup for you. So, um, but yeah, so when we have personal boundaries, it will really help us to have respect for ourselves and demand that from other people in our life. And then also we decide to not, like, a good example would be to not accept criticism from those that don't know us at all, right? So that could be like something that you are not willing to do. You're like, you don't know me at all. We've never spoken. Why, why would I actually accept criticism from you? However, but you will are willing to accept sarcasm from anyone because that's just your personality. That's what you're into. And that is like really fun for you, right? And so it's just like an easy example of like what you are willing to accept and what you are not willing to accept. Does that make sense? So keeps your self respect intact, which also will extend to you demanding respect from other people. The second reason, uh, that personal boundaries are so important is that it keeps the relationships in your life healthy. So whether that is like a platonic friendship or a romantic relationship or a relationship like at work or in like a mentor, volunteer kind of situation, wherever it is, even relationships with like your kids, if you have kids and your other family members, like regardless of what it is, having personal boundaries will keep those relationships healthy. Now, I will tell you that from the jump, there might be people in your life that don't feel that same way at first because the big reason is because people are used to treating you the way that they treat you and tell you tell them to treat you differently. And so by, you know, actually setting and enforcing, enforcing, that's the big keyword word. By setting and enforcing boundaries with these people in your life, it's gonna be kind of like a shock to them. And I think that we need to understand that sometimes there is gonna be like an adjustment period when we tell people new things. And I think it's perfectly okay. Uh, you can feel differently about that of course, but I think it's fair for people to understand like, oh, I'm getting new information, I need to understand it. Like telling someone something and then expecting them to immediately just accept it, be regardless of like how much they care for you. I love you, or find you like important in their life, that doesn't matter. I think that it's just fair to give people time to really understand like, oh, what does this mean for them? How is this important to them? Those kind of things, right? So, um, I'm trying really hard not to keep myself, to keep myself going off on like super tangents to take as, because I don't want to, uh, not have like enough <laugh> enough breath to continue through this whole thing. But anyway, so it's just something to really think about that when you start sharing your bristol boundaries with people in your life and they're like, oh my gosh, this is new. Give 'em a moment to like just kinda adjust and understand what that means for you. And then it'll be a lot easier to continue to implement those in those relationships. So just in general, your boundaries will establish like clear expectations that you have for yourself and for the other person. And I have talked a lot about how unknown expectations are super unfair. So if you have expectations for someone, make sure that they know what those expectations are. And expectations can be boundaries at times. So if you have an expectation of someone treating you a certain way and not treating you a certain way, you should make that very clear so that everyone is aware of that and that can keep the relationship healthy. Um, having boundaries can also help foster like better communication by cutting back on like misunderstandings from either like the other person not knowing something was off limits, right? If you didn't tell them, tell 'em that you're not into hugs, which is, that's a like a real life example from me. And so there's not this like weird a misunderstanding or you not knowing that they didn't know or understand your boundaries, which could also be a break in communication because they were not aware that you had that specific boundary. And so that's why it's important for you to let people know, remind them of those things, especially if it's a new thing because I would not have the expectation that they should just remember after being told once. I think that's kind of unfair. And because that could really, so if you're just letting them know, it can definitely, uh, cut back on, uh, communication problems, right? And resentment, resentment sucks, <laugh>. Um, but often it's like there's resentment from you holding in negative feelings about someone overstepping on your boundaries. But if you didn't take the time to share what your boundaries are, whether they're important to you and continue to set and enforce those things, and of course you're gonna have resentment for people's overstepping because you're not doing anything about it. Like, let's just be honest. You're just, you're not doing enough about it for it to actually be enforced. So having personal boundaries does keep your relationships healthy and helps communication gets back on resentment and makes everyone aware of what you expect from yourself and from others. The third one is reduces stress and anxiety. So when we have already been upfront with our boundaries with the people in our lives and we continue to actually enforce those boundaries, you know, some, I'm continually gonna bring that up because I want that to be like the key takeaway today. Uh, so we continue to enforce those boundaries. We can relax more. You know, once we are like actually enforcing our boundaries and knowing like these are our limits, we're actually letting people know people are aware of what's happening, then we can relax a little bit knowing that there's like, you know, a little bit of like predictability in life and control like over what could get like caught up in, you know, like what trouble could come your way, what issues you could deal with because you have boundaries. People know what those are. If people are trying to overstep them, then you know what to expect, what you need to do. Next steps you have to take, how to deal with that, right? We can also stress less over the fear of being like violated or having to deal with an inappropriate situation. Now, I definitely wanted to make sure that I note that having tal boundaries does not mean that you are gonna be completely, I, uh, the word I wanna use is, is exempt. That that doesn't feel like the best word, but you know what I mean, doesn't mean you're gonna be exempt or safe from people trying to, you know, engage you in inappropriate, awkward, violated kind of ways. You can tell certain people all day long that you have personal boundaries and they'll still continue to overstep them because they are trying to push your limits as far as they can to break you. And that's just like the reality of life unfortunately. So I wanna let you know that. So it's not just like this one and done situation of like, oh, now I personal boundaries. Now I don't have to worry about anything. That's not true. However, the more that you push to actually enforce those boundaries and push back on people that are trying to overstep, the less likely that they're gonna continue to push. It just depends. Every situation is different because if you continue to push back, then they don't feel like they're gonna be able to break you within the amount of time that they're willing to spend doing that. And they probably end up giving up. That is my hope and prayer for everyone because people that just continue to like come at you more and more and more and more and more and try to break you down, what a nuisance. And if you're going through that, I just really hope that you have reached out for help to have someone, uh, assist you with dealing with that situation because that really sucks, dude. And like there's really nothing else you could do. People will just continue coming at you and you're, you're pushing back and enforcing. You might just need like help from someone else to help you get outta that situation, you know what I mean? So just a side note that's really important for me to insert there. The last one, uh, for why personal boundaries are so important is that it increases self-awareness, self-awareness, the thing that I shout to the rooftops that we all should be working on every single day. So we have to know ourselves well enough to know what we need to feel safe. So there will be a base level of self-awareness growing when you start implementing your breast boundaries because you have to know yourself well enough to actually create those boundaries. So you'll start increasing self-awareness whether you realize it or not. And then as you continue to adjust and shift your boundaries to best suit you, because when you initially make personal boundaries or even like over time you realize that you're changing season to season, uh, of your life. And so those things will need to change and shift with you as well. Um, so as you continue to shift, you will keep learning new things about yourself and understanding how different people, experiences and decisions lead you to feel, again, fostering more self-awareness, which is like one of the top goals that I have for everyone and anyone that listens to this show and consumes the majority of my content cuz it's just, we all learned how to do that. We'd be so much, we'd be better off, like for sure. So just something to keep in mind. Uh, but yeah, that's all four of the things that I wanted to share with you for why personal boundaries are just like, ugh, like shining bright lights. So, so important. So establishing personal boundaries is like beyond helpful, beyond helpful, but we'll just say it's like pretty helpful and will overall help you foster like personal growth and development in your life in almost every single section of your life, which is like, so awesome. Now getting into studying personal boundaries for yourself, it's not always easy. I definitely wanna preface it with that. It's not, it's not just like this, it's not as though you're like making a grocery list or like a to-do list for you to do and for you to check off every single day or even a list of like habits or intentions. It's not, it can be more difficult than that. But I want you to know that it's still possible despite how difficult it might be and how you might need to revamp your, your boundaries, uh, over time, but it's still worth it. So, and this is like especially true if you have never created personal boundaries. So if this is like a new thing for you, it might feel even more difficult, but again, it is like absolutely worth it, like a completely 110%. So it's important part of like increasing personal growth, fostering healthy relationships, and even engaging in self-care. Because by creating personal boundaries for ourself that help us feel safe and the ability for us to live our best lives and become our best selves, that is a way for us to implement self-care into our life. Um, so I have five tips on how to set personal boundaries with yourself. As always, here is the, the, the normal, um, what do I usually do? Like disclaimer, that's the word I was looking for. So, um, the tips and the advice that I'm about to give and have already given so far is all based on my own knowledge and research and my experience and the experiences of others that I am able to share. So if you find that that advice that I'm about to share with you does not align with what you think would be most helpful for how to set personal boundaries for yourself, that's totally fine. I know that everything that I share here is not necessarily gonna work with everyone depending on the season of life you're in, like regardless like whatever's going on. But I do encourage you to seek out a counselor or a therapist to have that one-on-one opportunity to figure out what would best align with you to create personal boundaries. Cuz I think it's really important for everyone to set personal boundaries. If you don't wanna do that, then you can go to our best friend Google and type in how to set personal boundaries and you'll find a plethora of information and knowledge for you to check into, to, uh, find your own way and figuring out how to set personal boundaries. So here are five tips on how to set personal boundaries for yourself. We are gonna dive right in and I believe that all these are gonna be really helpful for you. So the first tip that I have for you is to figure out what you need and what's important to you. Figure out what you need and what's important to you. So think about what your values are and what you hold in highest regard. So that would be like honesty or autonomy or respect, like really think about like the values that you have and that what are like really important to you. Maybe having like, uh, a closeness like with your family or maybe having people be like loyal or things like that when you really start thinking about like what's really super important to you, what your values are. And if you haven't taken any time to really like come up with what your values, like your core values are, I would encourage you to do, do that, uh, exercise. It'll be really helpful to help you, um, really determine what is like up the utmost importance to you. And so if you haven't done that and you just like feel like your values are kind of like surface level once that you just choose, I would encourage you to really take some time to figure out like what your values are. But, and if you want me to do like an episode on that, just like let me know. I feel like I have maybe in the first season of the show, but let me know if you want me to break that down a little bit more for you. I would be totally willing to do that. So think about what your values are, what's really, really important to you, and then prioritize what is most important to you in life. So whether that's like your career or like relationships, your health, your personal growth and development, like whatever this is. Um, like really determine like what is the most important thing to you. And then consider boundaries in these areas first because you will probably end up creating like a lot, like a lot, a lot personal boundaries in your life and it can feel really overwhelming if you've never done it before or you haven't done it in a while. You're kind of just like hitting the reset button. So it would be really important for you to determine like what would be most important, like if you feel like you just really need to have boundaries in your relationships and then maybe like really focus on the specific relationships that are most important to you, like maybe in your family and maybe in your romantic relationship or maybe it's in your friendships, right? And determine which ones you set boundaries for first. And then you can like go down a list and then continually set them as you have more time to think about it and consider what's most helpful and maybe what did and didn't work in the previous time of setting boundaries, you know what I mean? So really prioritize and consider like where you wanna start setting boundaries first and then ask yourself, do you have any limits? And I want you to make sure that when you ask yourself this question that you don't discount anything, right? I kind of mentioned earlier that I have this thing where I have a limit with like hugs. Hugs can make me feel very uncomfortable. It goes back to my childhood and trauma and all kinds of things, but I have a limit of hugs and there are people in my life that will learn that pretty quickly if they are close to me. Um, there have been times where I have engaged in a hug where I didn't want a hug, but it was like this awkward situation and I didn't really know what to do. Um, but that's like a limit for me. And so I want you to make sure, like with that example, knowing that you don't have to put anything off limits. You don't have to think like, oh, this is too small or not important of a thing for me to create or, or feel like is a limit. It can be anything. It can be a limit for you if someone like, you know, kind of like brushing your arm when they're standing next to you. It's just like too much. Like that's a limit for you and everyone's limits are gonna be different. And there might, there's definitely, there's definitely, I was gonna say there might, there's definitely gonna be people that are going to judge you for having like whatever limit it is, but that's just because they're super insecure about their own limits and they're just protecting that onto you because they have not found a more healthy way to deal with their own ish, you know what I mean? So think about your mental, physical and emotional limits and like what you, you personally consider intolerable behavior, intolerable behavior within each of these to get you started on considering like what your boundaries will be, right? This is really just helping you kind of like think through like what your boundaries should be, what should be considered, what doesn't matter, you know what I mean? But I want you to know that generally when you're creating bristle boundaries, generally, like everything's gonna matter. There's not gonna be things that like, don't matter. Please hear me when I'm saying that. It all matters. If it matters to you, don't let other people talk you out of it. People will try to talk you out of it. You'll be like, oh, I don't wanna have hugs. And they'll be like, oh my gosh, you're being so rude. You need to let, you have to let people hug you. It's like, they're right. And it's like, no, it's not, it's not anyone's right to touch me and hug me if I am not comfortable with that. It's not now they're gonna try to manipulate you into thinking that it is because that's what they want and they're trying to get what they want. Who cares what they want, they can go kick rocks, okay? I need you to know that it's so super important. So consider like if you have any limits and then how you can, you know, roll those into brussel boundaries. The second tip on how to set brussel down boundaries for yourself is to determine where or when you'll need the boundaries. Determine where or when you'll need boundaries. So again, this is gonna be a, like a lot of reflection if you don't already have these things top of mind. So if reflecting on the past is kind of difficult for you, you might need to do this in multiple steps and not just sit down all at once and do this whole exercise and practice of setting your, your boundaries, which is totally fine. But consider past experiences when you have felt like uncomfortable and whether having a personal boundary enforced would have helped. So there is definitely times where I reflect back on man, if I had had personal boundaries on people talking to me about inappropriate topics that just made me feel really uncomfortable if Hey, I just don't like talking about that. And then if they just said to push back like, oh, well just, you know, be a grownup and listen and like, no, I just don't find that appropriate. And then having it continue into they didn't stop, then I would share that that's my boundaries. And then I would like, I eventually need to find a way to exit the situation because it was just really uncomfortable for me to hear people talk about those topics. And um, and it wasn't like, like, you know, random talk topics, like people talking about like their favorite sandwich or something like that. It was just really inappropriate things that I just didn't want to engage in, um, at like a young age. It's just like something I didn't wanna do. And so you really need to dig into the things that made you feel really uncomfortable. And if you had, you know, in hindsight had personal boundaries in those moments, would it have made it better? And that can kind of help you again, determine when you'll need boundaries and for like what experiences and actions and things like that. Um, this could also be with anyone and be anywhere, anyone and anywhere. I wanna double down on that because we might exempt certain people in our life and be like, oh, we don't need Bristol boundaries with our spouse or with our parents or our siblings, or whatever it is. When that is like, could not be further from the truth. A lot of times we do need boundaries with the people that are closest to us because those are the people that will try to take advantage of us or will try to like get their way because they will like use being family as like a crutch as like their reason, their excuse for why they need to do whatever they need to do or treat you however they wanna treat you. So I need you to know that there are so many people that I interact with on a daily basis that, and like people that I know in real life that I'm always like, why do you allow them to treat you that way? And they're like, oh, it's because they're family. And I'm like, oh, it's so, it's like, no, no, just because her family is, that's like a, that's an that's, again, it's an excuse. It's not a reason. And I understand that I might see this differently and I talk to my husband about this often because it, it just comes up naturally in conversation. We didn't talk about it recently that because I grew up with such a broken home and like, you know, kind of being estranged from my dad and my mom's like passed away for many years now dealing with like family and, and uh, is not like this normal thing for me. And it had never was. So I feel like it is a lot easier for me to be like, to put those guardrails up, have those boundaries and be able to say no, because my whole family life was like really shaky growing up. But I think that a lot of us can still come to the conclusion of understanding that just because people are fairly does not mean that they have the right to treat you like garbage or to use you for whatever their intent is, um, because it still feels icky and it's still as seen as icky and it's still like a garbage mentality for them to have. So I'm gonna get off my soapbox about that, but I need you to know that could be anyone anywhere, um, other places it could be maybe at work, maybe with your family, again, maybe with, when you're out networking with people you don't know, maybe at parties and events, it's up to you to decide when and where you'll have boundaries, but you do need to determine like when and where like you think you'll need them. Cuz that'll really help you to again, also figure out like what those boundaries should be. Because if it's at work, maybe it's that you don't stay past a certain time when it's just you and like a person of the opposite sex and maybe that makes you feel uncomfortable, totally get it. Or maybe it's like when you're at a networking event or like even a party, you don't wanna stay past a certain time because that's when a lot of people will over-indulge on substances and, and drinks and beverages and that makes you feel uncomfortable, right? Or it's more difficult for you to find a, a ride home and you just feel comfortable if you're going home, like right as night hits rather than like totally in darkness, <laugh>. Um, you know what I mean? So just like really consider like when and where you'll need your boundaries. Okay? Number three, now it's the time to choose. Now it's the time to choose your personal boundaries. So be specific on what your boundaries are to know when you need to step in and enforce these. So you can't just say like, oh, I don't want anyone to like ever touch me physically, but maybe you are okay with like a handshake. Maybe you are actually okay with hugs, but you don't want anyone to like, you know, grab your hand like and hold it, or you don't want anyone to like, like rub or caress your arm or your shoulders, those kind of things. Like maybe there are very specific things that you're like, those are off limits, but I will shake your hand. I will give you a hug. I will like stand in proximity next to you. You know what I mean? And I laugh because like some of these things are my weird things, but I don't think they're weird. I mean, I say they're weird because it's like, it's that it's just my awkward way, but they're not, they're important. Like if those things are like really, really, really super important to you, then they're not weird. They're just your things and that's really important. So I want you to again, know that those are important, but really figure out like when you need to, when what your, what your boundaries should be and like how you'll be able to step in and force these. So if someone's like wanting to come in and give me a hug, I'll probably just be like, okay, side hug. You know, like side hug or like the church hug <laugh>, the church hug that you give to the opposite sex where you're just like arm over, like there shoulder and then, and you kind of like lean your heads in. It's hilarious. Um, so maybe that's like your vibe or, um, maybe if they do try to go in for the hug, you're just like, oh, like you just put your hand out and it kind of like stops them and then you like have a handshake or you just do like a pat on the back or like whatever it may be for you to step in and force your boundaries and that they do, they're, if they're like, oh, I want to give you a hug, and you're like, oh no, I just, you know, like I, I don't, I prefer a handshake or I prefer a pat on the back or whatever. Because again, something that I should have worked into this now in hindsight is that, you know, you get to decide what your boundaries are and you also are not obligated to tell them why they're gonna be like, oh my gosh, why don't you like hugs? And I'm gonna be like, oh, they're just, I just don't feel comfortable with them. And then they might continue to press the issue and you're like, oh no, I just, I'd rather not talk about it, but I just, it made me uncomfortable or I just prefer not to, right? Like, you don't have to give them anything. They're gonna act like you do. They're gonna act like you owe them a response for something that they wanna do that you're uncomfortable with. But that's a bunch of bull crap too. Just know that, okay, like you don't know them anything, you do not have to, um, tell them like why you don't have to like reason away and, and, and, and like really go into it with them. Like they don't deserve that. And I know that sounds kind of harsh, but they don't deserve that. If you wanna give it fine, but you don't have to give a reason they're, that's not like something that they, um, are, are needing and it's not something that, uh, is necessary even. It's just really not. So just keep that in mind, okay? Um, but yeah, be specific about what your boundaries are and when you need to step in and enforce those. And it will help to determine what you are and aren't willing to tolerate from others and even yourselves. And we kind of like went over that when I was talking about the importance of personal boundaries, but you do need to determine like what you are and aren't willing to tolerate from others and even yourself. So if you're not willing to tolerate someone, calling people certain specific names that I will not say here, but it's just like really insensitive names that you would call someone, um, that were really common in the eighties and the nineties. That's all I'll say about it. Um, and you're just really uncomfortable with that. You have to realize that if you, if that is something that you wanna create as a boundary, you'll be like your way of enforcing and stepping in to stop. It will be like, Hey, can you not use that? Or can you not say that? And if they tell you to go like kick rocks, you're like, okay, well I'm gonna go then, right? And maybe that won't change them. Like that's not the point. The point is for you to, you know, enforce your own personal boundaries of not wanting to hear other people call that people those names. And um, and so you're like, okay, well that doesn't work for me. I need to go. And just being able to understand you are not willing to tolerate people saying those kind of things. And you wouldn't even tolerate yourself saying it if you did find yourself to say it just because it just came out, you would stop yourself and be like, oh wow, no, this is so not me. This is so inappropriate. I do not wanna engage in this type of behavior. So, um, determine what you are in, aren't willing to tolerate from others when you are choosing your personal boundaries onto number four, communicate and enforce your boundaries. Communicate and enforce your boundaries. You gotta tell people that you have boundaries if you expect them to respect them, if you expect them to respect them, you have to let people know, hey, I have boundaries. Like, it's just like you have to, it's an non-negotiable thing, so you gotta let them know. And it can feel really awkward at first to be like, yeah, you know, I know that I used to allow you to sleep over at my house after you've like partied and drank too much, but I'm no longer okay with that and I don't want you to do that anymore. And so they might be like, oh, okay. And then they might act like they're gonna respect that boundary and then they do it again and you're like, no, listen, I'm gonna call you a car. You're not gonna stay here. I told you that I'm not comfortable with this anymore and this is a boundary for me. And that is you like actually reminding them that you have boundaries and actually enforcing those boundaries so that they will actually start to respect those boundaries. The really sucky thing about having personal boundaries, um, at the beginning is that again, it's gonna be really difficult for a lot of people to respect them. And then there's gonna be some people in your life that it's gonna be like, okay, great, or Oh great, I'm so glad that you finally are having boundaries for yourself. I'm proud of you, or that kind of thing. You know what I mean? But the majority, at least in my experience in a lot of other people's experiences is that you will struggle with reminding people that, yeah, I have a boundary. I don't like that. Let's not do that. I reminded you of that. This is how we're going to enforce it. Please understand. Um, so you gotta tell people though. You gotta tell people and you can't expect them to remember after one time. I know that a lot of us think that the things that we say, a lot of us know the things that we say are really important and they are. But having an expectation that people are just gonna remember everything you say after you only tell them one time or even twice, I feel like is a really high expectation that a lot of us need to kind of like bring down a little bit and realize that that's just not the reality that we should be living in. Um, especially if it's something that's super, super brand new, be kind and remind them that hey, you have this boundary, this thing is inappropriate, whatever the case may be, and it'll probably go a lot smoother over time as opposed to getting upset that someone didn't remember that you told them two weeks ago that this is a boundary of yours and they crossed it when they forgot because that was the literally the only time that they were told. You know what I mean? So, um, also when you are sharing your boundaries and communicating those with people in your life, make sure you use eye statements when you share it and share it from like your feelings and your emotions. Be like, um, I feel uncomfortable when I have people stay the night after they've been drinking at my house and I no longer wanna have to deal with the aftermath of that or have that lingering reminder of like the party at my house afterwards. You have to make sure that you use I statements and not like, Hey, I don't really like it when you are getting drunk and house and it really sucks. And so that's why I'm not doing it. Like, you don't wanna like put the blame or criticize the other person for why you have boundaries. You need to own your own boundaries. You need to be like, no, it just, I feel uncomfortable when this happens. So I no longer want it to happen. Regardless of whether the boundary has stemmed from a specific experience, um, or circumstance, you still need to own the fact that you have decided to create a boundary based on that thing happening. You know what I mean? Um, and then also practicing No to people that try and they will try, I'm just trying to prepare you for the reality of life. Um, they will try to overstep your boundaries. You have to say no. A lot of people are so passive or they're people pleasers and they will like, like me, me, the recovering people pleaser will just be like, okay, I'll just let this one pass this time and next time I'll say no. But if you get into a habit of that, then you will never say no cuz you'll always be like, oh, I'll say no next time. And then you never say no. And then you don't have any boundaries that you're actually like enforcing. So it's important for you to say no and say no to the things that like, don't align with your values and don't align with the things that are like really important to me, important to you because again, you have the human right just like anyone else does to say no. If you are uncomfortable, again, people will try to try you on this. They will try to push you and they will try to prove you wrong, but you don't have to be wrong because it's your thing and you are worthy and you have the right to say no and that's it. Like, you don't have to give them a reason why or talk about it any deeper than that. You can just say, no, that's just not, that's not vibing with you and move on. Now they might not wanna move on and it might cause like issues. It might stress relationships a little bit in the beginning or cuts them off that maybe needed to end anyway. That's just a real talk and you might have to go through those things. It's not gonna be easy. I'm definitely trying to set you up for the reality of like, it's not gonna be easy. People are gonna try to overstep, people are gonna try to manipulate. Um, but you have to understand that having personal boundaries and if it's really important to you is worth the effort and the pain and the struggle that will come in the beginning. It will be worth it in the end. Um, so yeah, communicate and enforce your boundaries. Now number five in the end is don't give in, do not give in. I've already kind of like reinforced this through all the points of this whole episode today. You can't give in, you gotta stay consistent in enforcing your boundaries. Don't just give in if what you are enforcing is important to you. If it's important to you, you should act like it's important to you and enforce it as your personal boundary. Because if you don't, then it's just not really important to you. That's how, that's how I see it, that's how I see it. That if it's actually important to you, then you're actually willing to stand up for that thing. You're actually willing to do something about people crossing that boundary, doing something that causes you to feel uncomfortable doing something that is just not cool. So you gotta stay consistent. You gotta stay consistent in enforcing your boundaries, be firm and know that you are worthy of being respected and having your boundaries respected. You are, you might not think you are and people might say that you aren't, but you are. I promise you. I promise you, I absolutely promise you that you are worthy of being respected and having your boundaries respected. You know, and you will get better at enforcing your boundaries the more that you do it. And the more that you continue to remind yourself how important it is and how you have the right to say no and how you are worthy of having these boundaries and not allowing people to walk all over you and not allowing yourself to be in these super uncomfortable, you know, inappropriate, violated too much situations. You are better than that. We are all better than that. We all need to start enforcing and setting our own personal boundaries for us to become our best selves. So don't give in. Please, please don't give in. But that's it. That is all five of the tips that I have for how to set personal boundaries and also sharing the four reasons on why setting personal boundaries is super important. I really hope that despite my voice sounding like a crazy bridge troll that you found all of this really helpful. And I do appreciate you listening to The Real Positive Girl podcast again with me, Sabrina. And I hope that you'll share this and I hope that you'll find it beneficial. And please let me know by DM or email if you want me to follow up on any specific things that I spoke about today and do like a follow up episode or talk about it more on socials or what have you. Um, but uh, please remember to check the show notes below on how we define me on socials. Uh, submit a topic for the podcast anonymously do anonymous, emotional, um, venting. But, um, thank you so much for listening and downloading and sharing. I'm gonna go before I cough another time, uh, that I've already coughed that you won't know about, but I'm gonna go and edit this podcast and get it up. But I appreciate every single one of you and I look forward to seeing you guys next time. Bye everyone.